Posted by: wildflowerz | September 23, 2010

Pour a little sugar on it honey. Pour a little sugar on it baby. I’m gonna make your life so sweet, yeah yeah yeah.

It would appear to be confession time.  I’ve hidden this for ages and it’s embarrassing to me, but the hiding is the problem, so I’m just going to come out with it.

I sneak food.

The most immediate instance would be yesterday.  Emily is at my parents house and I was home by myself.  Since our vacation this summer, I’ve been off the sugar wagon.  I’ve been craving it constantly.  I’ve managed to mostly resist buying the stuff at the grocery store, so usually it’s me running around the kitchen trying, in vain, to find something sweet.  This is why I decided to lay off the sugar in the first place.  But yesterday, after lunch, I went right to Kroger and bought a box of those yummy frosted sugar cookies.  You know…the incredibly soft ones that taste like 100% pure sugar.  For complete disclosure, I  normally shop at Publix.  I went to Kroger for 2 reasons:  Kroger has those cookies, but also?  They have self-checkouts.  So no one else can see what I’m buying.  I know…like they’d care anyway.  But it’s how my mind’s working.

So, I ate them.  I ate half of them when I got home and the rest that evening.  That evening after Chris had gone to the library to raid and I went upstairs to read.  To read and eat.

So what do I do?  (That’s rhetorical.  I’m not actually asking for advice.)  I think my solution is going to be to cut out the sugar again.  Totally and completely.  Caffeine’s going with it.  It’s the same thing I did when I started this back in April.  It worked then.  I didn’t have these cravings.  I wasn’t buying stuff at the grocery store that I shouldn’t have.  Sure I still wanted it, but it wasn’t such an intense craving as I’ve got going now.  I’m not sure that exactly addresses the hiding food issue, but it seems that in the present and even in my past, the food that I do this with is the sweet stuff.

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Responses

  1. Been there, done that, have the (fat) t-shirt. When I used to live with my dad I would leave food in the car and see if he was awake or asleep in his room before I would go back out and get it. Now that I live alone, basically I eat food I know I shouldn’t in my car on the way home and somehow that doesn’t count. It’s not just sweet stuff for me, though. Which makes it even more of a pain to stop doing. Hopefully you can break your cycle. (I also have the same thoughts about self checkout. I feel judged about things I am buying all the time, even though I know that 99% of the time no one even notices/gives a shit.)

  2. I have been there. I haven’t done that in years – but that’s because I gave up hiding it, not gave up eating it. 🙂 When I lived alone, it was easy – but I still treated it like this huge secret binge. That’s a “huge” secret, AND a “huge” binge. 🙂 Somehow that is part of the glamour. One day I would just decide I was going to Do It that afternoon. I would clear my calendar or ignore my obligations, leave the second I was allowed to (4:00 _ I was teaching then) and go by the grocery (a different one each time). Sometimes it was sweets like Pepperidge Farm cookies, super sweet cereal, sweetened prepackaged oatmeal, or candy. (I should probably say AND/or). Sometimes it was something weird (but always carby) like a box of those minicroissants, package of roast beef, and spicy pepperjack cheese that I would turn into strings of tiny sandwiches, melted in the microwave. I would usually get something to eat inthe car on the way home, because I couldn’t wait. I would literally be shaking with it. When I got home I locked the door and put on comfy clothes. I found something mindless on TV – didn’t matter what – and a book and just lost my mind in the TV/book (literally) and forgot I had a body, which body was meanwhile stuffing its face with calorie after calorie. I did it as fast as possible so I could trash it all and hide it. I ate until it was gone, with no sense of fullness until done, then overwhelmingly sick. I dumped my trash the next day so visitors (like Will) would not know.

    Yeah. Healthy. And this was when I was relatively thin. My life was a series of binges and diets.

    So I feel ya, sista.

    I read a lot of Geneen Roth, that helped. And I also made a vow not to eat anything for six weeks unless another person was there. It was both inconvient (since I lived alone) and excruciating, but I did it. IT sucked. I can’t say it cured me but it did really help with the shame factor.


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